Monday, March 26, 2012
Monday, December 5, 2011
once upon a time two winters ago i finally figured out that northfaces were cool, so i got one, but actually the instant i did, patagonia fleeces became a shit ton cooler. so over the summer i got the really obnoxious orangey/red one (GOOD LUCK losing me in a blizzard), and have worn it on all the days i'm too lazy to wear something more adult or fashion forward (read: every day).
fleeces are basically the modern woman's way of saying to the world, "i may not have showered today, but i can still afford this fancy outerwear."
how uva sees you before you put on a fleece
TA DA! how you look after
ever since i bought this sweater, i've been on the patagonia e-mail list. not ONCE have i opened an email from them, because once i actually purchased the fleece, i wanted nothing to do with them (alas, for the first time, getting to be the man in the relationship).
anyway, i was scrolling through my ginormous number of emails on cyber monday--i mean, not too seriously, i didn't want to crash my computer or anything (ANN TAYLOR YOU ARE DEAD TO ME). but patagonia's email, for once, caught my eye, because it said in big bold letters:
that's right. they basically sent america a picture of their hottest-selling product and shamed them for ever having purchased it in the first place. list of reasons i someday intend to send them, letting them know they've offended me deeply and that they are really, really stupid:
POINT ONE: it's cyber monday. if you didn't want us to buy anything, stop emailing us. because you're dumb and everybody stopped caring about you after you released your winter line in july, so word to the wise, we wouldn't have bought anything anyway. your stupid email is presumptuous and condescending!
POINT TWO: the picture of the jacket? LINKS TO YOUR WEBSITE! where HUMANS TYPICALLY PURCHASE THINGS! i'm going to tattoo the word "hypocrite" on every one of your foreheads. good luck getting laid after that.
you'll finally know how i feel! whimper wimp sadness
POINT THREE: even before i was a third-year psych major i knew that reverse psychology ruled america. if you tell us not to do something, i promise we will want to do it. so OBVIOUSLY you are whoring yourself out for sales.
POINT FOUR: a week later, your entire inventory is on sale and you are BEGGING us to buy it! (not that i looked. I DIDN'T LOOK. god dammit. the fleeces are on sale. STOP IT I SWEAR I DIDN'T FUCKING LOOK!!!)
i'm so ashamed ...
POINT FIVE: are you really stupid enough not to protect the images in your emails so that an annoyed, ranting 20-year-old who thinks her blog is the shit can't copy/past it and use it to mock you? the internet is forever.
in a way, though, you succeeded in your "don't buy this jacket" campaign. because CONGRATULATIONS, now i think you're all a bunch of total asswipes and i'm never buying anything from you again.
and neither is borat.
Posted by Emma Marie at 6:07 PM
Friday, November 25, 2011
for all the people i consistently terrify in morning classes, a brief explanation:
7:45: alarm goes off. hah! you were one ambitious bitch when you set this last night. but seriously, no.
8:15: second alarm. pfft. a few more minutes won't hurt.
8:30: third alarm. i mean, i'll just take the bus. who needs exercise?
8:45: fourth alarm. but really, how committed was i to taking that shower anyway?
9:00: fifth alarm. whatever. i still have ten minutes before i have to--FUCK!
FIND AN OUTFIT ON THE FLOOR GET DRESSED BRUSH TEETH BRUSH HAIRS EMPTY BLADDER EAT BREAKFAST WHERE ARE MY SHOES?!?!?!?!??! FINISH HOMEWORK!!! NO SERIOUSLY WHERE THE HELL ARE MY ... OH HEY, SHOES--WASH FACE? NO IT'S GOOD WAIT MAYBE I SHOULD STILL OH SHIT THERE'S THE BUS RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
in short, this is why i show up to class looking like this four out of five days a week:
and it's also why i remain an excellent sprinter.
Posted by Emma Marie at 7:02 PM
Thursday, November 24, 2011
the littlest sister and i were gearing up to watch the seventh movie when an ad came on, during which jk rowling gleefully declared, "pottermore is now open for public registration!"
those of us who may or may not be compulsively checking the website every fifteen minutes of their waking lives know that this is a total lie.
i mean, i know, it's not that big of a deal (except that it is). i have school. i have a job. i have other humans to interact with. i guess what i'm trying to say is, there are really no voids in my life that need filling.
except for pottermore.
we were told in july to wait until august. we were told in august to wait until october. we were told in october to wait until the end of october. but now?! NOW THEY SAY NOTHING. not to get overly-dramatic here, but without this, i have no will to LIVE.
give me pottermore or i will BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND
SERIOUSLY, JK ROWLING. I'M BEGGING YOU TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS. WITH ALL THE CAPS LOCK I HAVE LEFT IN MY DISINTEGRATING SOUL.
Posted by Emma Marie at 5:53 PM
Thursday, November 17, 2011
in the first ten seconds of the third twilight movie, jacob's shirt comes off. this is arguably the best part of the film, because it all goes downhill from there.
first off, the sex? goes on. and on. and on.
which is fine, if you're into watching robert pattinson's pasty back flesh gyrate back and forth for twenty minutes, interspersed with shots of kristen stewart making her "i'm acting!" face.
you know what i'm talking about. the lips slightly parted, eyes wide, maybe-i'll-bite-my-lip-but-maybe-i-won't, so-stay-on-your-toes face. apparently it also applies to sex scenes. which, as stated before, went on way too long--and somehow managed to span over twenty minutes.
in my humble opinion, this movie should not have been cut into two parts. all too frequently i felt like most of the scenes were "filler" scenes. it reminded me of that time in harry potter when ron wrote in really big handwriting to make it look like he'd finished the parchment length requirement. which reminded me that i wasn't watching harry potter. which made my childhood continue to shrivel and die.
that aside, it was worth going. the popcorn was good. the friends were awesome. and nothing beats playing the "pathetic, desperate, or whipped" game with all the males in the crowd.
"twilight's gonna get me LAID!"
little known fact? stephenie meyer actually wrote these books in an effort to de-virginize all the nerds.
Posted by Emma Marie at 11:34 PM
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
BATMAN ... ing.
yes, that's right. your favorite comic book character (unless you're cool and you like superman, who is a lot better, i hope you're reading this, HENRY JIMENEZ)? just became a VERB.
this new trend, which is a devolved, even more ridiculously unsafe version of planking, basically consists of hanging from a door:
because this is a lot more convenient and surefire than just waiting for your neck to spontaneously snap and kill you when you're right side up. CASE IN POINT:
happy batmanning, america.
Posted by Emma Marie at 3:59 PM